Brammofan’s Predictions for 2010

I have to join the teeming masses who are making predictions for their little corner of the world.  I tried to resist, but when I was listening to the EVCast’s recent show where they ran down their 2009 predictions, it just fed my “I-told-you-so” gland, deep within my hypothalamus.  So here goes:

1.  Brammo will branch out to Europe and Asia with the Enertia.  Okay, so this is my “safe” prediction.  If you’ve been following the Brammo story, you know that CEO Craig Bramscher has been jetting around these continents for the last six months.  He didn’t miss his Thanksgiving Dinner for nothing.  (Seriously — have you seen him?  Nothing short of world domination would tempt him away from turkey, taters, and pumpkin pie.)  Considering he was in China on November 26, he probably ended up eating something that looked like this:

Arachnid. It's what's for dinner.

2.  Brammo will introduce the anti-scooter but it will turn out to look nothing like the obscenity photo-shopped by the demented minds over at Asphalt and Rubber.

Frankenscooter

Instead, it will look something like a cross between what one would expect to see underneath a sorority girl at U.S.C, a rainbow, and butter.

3.  Brammo will decide, at the last possible minute, to race in at least one of the TTXGP eGrandPrix races.

Brammo has been strangely silent about participating in the soap opera/reality show that has been unfolding between TTXGP and FIM.  Is the silence due to lack of sponsorship? Maybe, but I’m more inclined to say that they are focusing like a laser beam on the rollout of the Enertia to more Best Buy stores and, as noted in #1, above, world domination.  Best Buy may not end up swooping down and sponsoring the Brammo race team, as they did last year, but I predict some dark horse anonymous source will decide that Brammo needs a racing pedigree to offset the metro-sexual vibe of the Enertia, and validate the integrity of his testosterone levels.

4.  Brammo will ditch the baby blue panels — excuse me, “Glacial Blue” panels.

Also known as "drowning polar bear blue"

Instead, Brammo will offer an array of new colors for 2010, including: Hot Planet Pink, Global-Warming-Denier Red, Running out of time to save the world Blue (a dark, sparkly blue), and OMFG We’re All Gonna Die Unless You Buy This Bike and Stop Polluting Purple.

5.  Brammo will continue crowd-sourcing.  Remember those heady days of September 2009 when Brammo and Crispin, Porter + Bogusky came up with the idea to crowd source the logo? Despite the negative attention it received (which, ironically, only served to give it more attention, thus proving that “any attention = good attention” is still a valid equation), Brammo will decide to turn to the crowd to handle even more of its crucial decisions.  Stay tuned during the first quarter of 2010 for the “Crowd Source a new battery” contest, where the winner will provide a new form of energy storage that is able to be recharged in 15 minutes, increases the range of the bike to 300 miles, weighs 1/10 of the weight of the current battery pack, and is made of a readily-available substance, such as mud and dandelions.

6.  Brammo will bid for new batch of interns on Ebay, but will be outbid in the last few seconds by Zero Motorcycles.  After months of working, the interns will produce a video that will go viral.  Instead of hip-hop or rap, it will be a video of Zero’s Neal Saiki under the influence of nitrous oxide and novacaine following his root canal.  His inability to pronounce the word “torque” during the video will amuse millions and lead to Zero’s licensing of the “Dorque™” ringtone, providing the company the operating capital it needs to roll out its bikes to hundreds of CVS Pharmacies, nationwide.  “After all, an electric motorcycle is kind of like an antidepressant on wheels. No prescription necessary.”

7. Best Buy will decide to equip its Geek Squad with a fleet of Brammo Enertias, painted in their characteristic white and black configuration, which will, in turn, catch the eyes and attention of Police Squads nationwide, causing fleet sales to skyrocket.  Other crime-fighting entities will follow suit:

Where does he get those wonderful toys?

8.  Brammo will team up with a manufacturer of solar panels and will market the Enertia Garage, an accessory that provides dry parking, a renewable energy source for recharging, and a place for the owners to hang out and smoke cigars.

That’s a wrap for 2009.  We’ll revisit the predictions in late 2010, when they will be viewable by our corneal implants as we tool around on our flying Enertias.

Have a Happy New Year and stay safe out there.

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  1. #1 by paul on December 30, 2009 - 12:54 pm

    For the Battery contest. Didn’t brammo sign a three year supply agreement with Valence?

  2. #2 by brammofan on December 30, 2009 - 2:11 pm

    I’m not sure about the length of the supply agreement with Valence, but the “battery crowdsourcing” prediction was written “tongue in cheek.” Most of my stuff is written for my own amusement, and for the amusement of like-minded mentally disturbed individuals. Only the “gifted ones” are able to divine the Brammo-truth from the Brammo-bull.

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